LOVE AND LOGIC

 A few years ago, I attended a Love and Logic conference in Omaha.  It was a training conference for parents and teachers alike.  Jim Fay and Dr. Charles Fay gave some great tips for dealing with children in, what can sometimes seem like difficult situations.  I signed up to receive the weekly emails with tips in dealing with kids.  I thought I would share.  I will update this weekly with new tips from Dr. Charles Fay.  Enjoy!  

 

 

The Class (or Dinner Table) Clown
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts

 
 
Is Blinky giving you nightmares? We all know him. We've all laughed at his antics in spite of ourselves. We've also become frustrated and wished he would knock it off. He's the class clown. Doesn't there seem to be one in every class, and in just about every family? In my house, we have a dinner table clown.
 
What can adults do when the clown disrupts and takes away from our valuable time, energy, and sanity?
 
Teachers tend to agree that the most common driver of clown antics is attention. In the Love and Logic® approach, we might refer to this as the need to be noticed. This need is perfectly legitimate. Unfortunately, clowns aren't meeting it in an appropriate way.
 
Isn't it amazing how the best teachers make kids feel important and special before the kids seek out negative attention?
 
In our book, Teaching with Love and Logic, we encourage teachers to approach students and quietly say things like, "I noticed that you really like cars," and then move away. If the student questions their intent, we encourage them to say, "I just noticed that," and continue walking. When students want to talk about their interests, we teach educators to view this as a wise investment of time. A small amount of listening can go a long way toward decreasing the amount of disruptive clown behavior. The key, of course, is to focus on noticing things that are important to kids, not us.
 
Will our classrooms and homes be calmer, more productive places if we invest a bit more time in noticing other’s strengths and interests? There's only one way to find out. Experiment!  After investing some time noticing your beloved clown, be ready with a smile the next time disruptive behavior starts. Lean close and say something like "Will you save that for later? Thanks." and move on without missing a beat. With this skill, many teachers and parents have found their class clowns needing fewer redirections over time.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.  
Jedd Hafer

 

 

 

Poor Sport

 
Jason was having a bad day on the soccer field, yelling out criticisms to his teammates. "Settle down, Jason," warned his coach. "Give the others a break. It's not all about you. Share the ball or I'm going to have to pull you from the game."
 
Hearing this, Jason ran screaming at two of the other players, pushed one down and kicked the ball over the fence. Needless to say, he was pulled from the game.
 
The trip home was no fun for his mom as she listened to him complaining about how stupid the other kids were and how unfair the coach was treating him. All she could think about was that her son had forgotten their talks that it is more important to be a good person and a good sport than it is to be a soccer star.
 
The next day, Mom made phone calls to the coach and to several of the other team mothers. "I need your help to teach Jason the importance of becoming a good person rather than just a good soccer player. Would you be willing to charge Jason if he calls for rides to games? You would? Oh, thank you so much."
 
Mom then had a discussion with Jason. "I take you to your soccer games because it's fun for me. Your last game wasn't fun. I was embarrassed by your behavior. I will drive you to your game again some day after the coach tells me that you have become a good sport."
 
"How am I supposed to get to the games if you're not driving me?"
 
"Well, sweetie, that's something I was wondering about as well."
 
"I'll just get a ride with some of the other guys."
 
After making several calls, Jason yelled, "This is a rip off! All the other moms want to charge me to ride with them. They don't even care if the team loses! This stinks!"
 
Mom held the line. After several weeks and Jason having spent $20.00 on rides, the coach called with a good report and lavish thanks to this courageous mother.
 
The remaining games were a lot more fun for both Jason and his mother.
  
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.  
Jim Fay

 

 

Teaching Little Ones Right from Wrong

 
Jimmy was a lucky kid. As soon as he was old enough to crawl over and grab something off of the coffee table, his parents began to teach him the difference between right and wrong. Because they loved him, they gave him the daily gift of correction. Yep! When little Jimmy was too rough with the dog or when he tossed toys down the stairs, he often heard a sweet "Uh-oh," followed by a gentle removal of the problem object (the toy or the dog). Sometimes this sweet "Uh-oh" signaled that he was about to take a gentle trip to his room for some "calm down time."
 
By age three, Jimmy had an automatic reaction inside his wondrous little brain whenever he heard a sweet "Uh-oh." The reaction went something like: "Uh, my life will be happier if I do what is right not what is wrong." The glorious gift of loving correction was laying the foundation for good decision-making.
 
There are those who worry that correction will result in crushing the spirit. They are wise to worry! Correction will crush the spirit if it is done with anger, or sarcasm, or with the intent to "get even" with the child. Correction is never correct when it is done with a punitive, harsh heart.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.  
Dr. Charles Fay

 

We Shouldn't Have to Beg our Kids to Help Us

 
 
While the Love and Logic® approach doesn't teach parents to be bossy or demanding, we do recognize that there are times when we simply need our kids to help us right away. Listed below are some steps for making this happen.
 
Step One: Make sure that you are doing a good job of helping your kids when they ask you.
 
Step Two: Ensure that they have something they really value. At a later date, losing this item or privilege can be used as a consequence.
 
Step Three: Hope and pray that they will either refuse or "forget" to do something you ask them to do for you "right away."
 
Step Four: In a sweet and respectful tone of voice, ask them to do something for you "right now."
 
Step Five: When they refuse or "forget," let them think that everything is just fine. Don't say a word. Later in the day, or possibly later in the week, say something like, "I love you so much. I've noticed that you don't think it's important to help me when I ask you to do things for me right away. The sad thing is that this shows me that you aren't really mature enough to have_______________________." (Insert mp3 player, cell phone, driving privileges, etc.)
 
Another strategy involves saying, "This is so sad. I love you so much. I _________________ (Insert iron clothes, drive places, buy nice snacks, etc.) for kids who help me quickly when I ask them to.”
 
Of course, displaying empathy, resisting the urge to lecture, and holding firm will make the difference between success and failure.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.  
Dr. Charles Fay

 

Tired of the Room Cleaning Tug-of-war?

 
I know a mother who used to stand in the middle of her nine-year-old son's room every Saturday and yell until she was hoarse. The more she yelled, the slower her son moved to pick up his horrendous room. It vaguely resembled a site where a clothing store and a toy store had exploded at the same time.
 
Unfortunately, the dumpster-like appearance of the room bothered Mom beyond measure, but it didn't seem to faze her mess-loving son. Mom needed a way to help the problem become her son's, rather than hers.
 
Love and Logic to the rescue!
 
First, she offered some choices: "Would you like to have your room cleaned by 10:00 a.m. Saturday, or do you need an extra hour?" Then, when her son picked the later time, she used an enforceable statement and said cheerfully, "Feel free to keep the things you pick up. I'll be back at 11."
 
Mom made sure she was back at exactly 11:00 a.m. Thankfully, she only had to bag up a few stray toys the first time. Things really started to improve when her son realized that she would actually follow through on her limits.
 
Now, Mom has the energy for more gratifying things instead of acting like a motherly megaphone.
 
For more great tips on getting your kids to work harder on their chores than you are, check out our CD, "Didn't I Tell You to Take Out the Trash?!"
 
Thanks for reading! 
 
Dr. Charles Fay
 

 

 

Shoplifting

 
After returning from shopping, Dad discovered that his ten-year-old son, Tony, had a new music CD. It was later revealed that Tony had shoplifted.
 
Dad immediately took his son back to the store and met with the store's assistant manager so that Tony could confess his actions and return the merchandise. To Dad's dismay, the manager let Tony off easy.
 
"Ah, Tony, that's ok. You're a cute kid for confessing like that. You better watch it in the future. You could get into big trouble for shoplifting."
 
As you can guess, Tony learned nothing from the incident and stole two more CD's the following month.
 
Dad learned his lesson. Don't take a chance. Call ahead. Dad called the manager saying, "Your assistant manager let Tony off the hook last time. Please make this very uncomfortable for Tony." Dad and the manager made a plan.
 
The manager made Tony wait on a chair outside his office for over an hour. After that he gave Tony choices: dealing with the police or paying a fine and spending three hours holding a sign at the entrance. It was a sign that said, "SHOPLIFTING IS UNLAWFUL."
 
Tony chose the fine and spent his next Saturday morning standing out in the cold with his sign. In addition to the $50 fine, Tony had to pay for the CD's, which was a bitter pill for him to swallow after discovering that he didn't even like the music after hearing his CD's.
 
Dad Uses the Energy Drain Technique
Dad picked Tony up after his sign-holding morning with, "Wow, Tony, you look beat. We'd better get you home for some lunch."
 
On the way home he added, "Now that this is over, you need to know that I've spent a lot of time, energy, and worry on it. I didn't get to do some of my household jobs. Think it over tonight, and let me know which of my jobs you'd like to do to replace my energy."
 
Listen to Love and Logic Magic When Kids Drain Your Energy and master the art of using the "Energy Drain Technique." Repetition is the key to learning, so keep the CD in your car and listen frequently. And, it doesn't hurt if the kids hear it. The beauty of Love and Logic is that even if the kids know what you're doing, they can't do anything about it.
 
Thanks for reading! .
 
Jim Fay

 

 

 

 

Are You Worn-Out and Stressed?

 
Do you ever find yourself completely exhausted and stressed with all of the problems that bombard you on a daily basis? I've recently found myself feeling crushed under the weight of the many burdens whirling around me. Why? Simply because I've forgotten how much fuel is required to run a helicopter on a daily basis.
 
Yes! I tend to be a helicopter parent, a helicopter boss, a helicopter spouse, etc. It's nobody's fault except mine. Deep within me is the burning desire to make sure that no one I know suffers from any sort of unhappiness, disappointment or disgust.
 
Listening to our audio, Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants, I was reminded that trying to rescue our kids from all of life's challenges burns us out and creates kids who don't believe that they have what it takes to be successful in life. I also realized that this very same principle applies to rescuing our spouses, friends, etc. It doesn't take long for us to run out of fuel and crash to the ground.
 
The single most powerful tool for combating this tendency is to memorize the following:
 
Oh, no. That's got to feel ___________.
 
What do you think you are going to do?
 
The next time someone else’s problem comes your way, experiment with saying these words with sincere empathy. Simply fill in the blank with whatever emotion you're guessing the person is feeling. Then give suggestions while allowing the person to own and solve his or her problem.
 
To make sure that your helicopter stays grounded, listen to Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants. This product is now available as an MP3 download—no waiting, no shipping fees!
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.  
Dr. Charles Fay
 
 
 

Arguing with Kids is Like Trying to Talk Sense into an Angry Dog

 
Have you ever had a successful debate with a rabid dog? I tried it once. It didn't go very well:
 
Fido [biting my leg]: Grrrr
 
Me: Now Fido, if you keep this up, there will be serious conseq - ow!
 
Fido [sinking teeth deeper]: Grrrr
 
Me: Don't you take that tone with me, mister! You are only hurting yourself with these bad choices you're making…
 
As humans, our miraculous brains can outperform Fido's before our first birthday. Our brains can do things dogs can't - such as complex reasoning and making wise decisions - as long as we are calm.
 
Unfortunately, when we are very upset, our brains switch to the part that is not much better at thinking than Fido's dog brain.
 
So, when we try to lecture or reason with an angry kid, we'll probably be as successful as we'd be with a rabid canine. Like Fido, upset kids are unlikely to stop mid-rage and suddenly be swayed by our wise and compelling words.
 
Wise adults take better care of themselves by waiting for more calm and happy times to talk with kids. They find that when the storm of emotion has passed over, thinking and logic have a better chance. Calm brains may actually be able to hear and understand what the adults are trying to communicate.
 
Best of all, kids tend to be more fun to talk to when they aren’t growling and foaming at the mouth. For plenty of practical strategies for responding to your kids when they’re foaming at the mouth, read Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless.
 
Dr. Charles Fay
 
 

 

Reason Only with the Reasonable

 
Are you reasonable when you're upset? Most of us find that we can be fair and reasonable just about any other time EXCEPT when we are angry, hurt, or frustrated. At that point, our biochemistry puts us into survival mode where all we can think about is fighting or fleeing.
 
Have you ever been upset and said to someone, "I better stop before I say something I don't mean?" We instinctively know that we get foolish when we get angry. So why do we choose to have so many conversations about important things when one or more of the other parties are drunk on emotion?
 
As a foster parent, Candace lived in fear that she would one day lose her cool and say something unkind to one of her foster kids. Thankfully, she worked on this skill often.
 
Some people find that they have better luck deferring intense conversations when they practice their way out in advance. If, before the confrontation, we repeat in our minds (or out loud if nobody's watching): "I have better discussions when everybody is calm. I'll be happy to discuss this later. Thanks."
 
Of course, it's wise to choose words that best suit our personality and that flow with maximum ease and sincerity. The key is to know our "escape route" in advance and using it if either party gets too upset to use the "smart" part (cortex) of their brains.
 
Candace became fond of "Respect you too much to fight with you" when her drama-addicted foster daughter tried to engage her in arguments. Even with "doozies" like "I hate it here!" and "You're mean!" after about three attempts, the frustrated teenager would usually march away in a huff, eager to find somebody else to argue with.
 
Later, when both were calm and doing their best thinking, apologies, forgiveness, and laughter flowed.
 
It is amazing how much smarter other people can get with the passage of time. Some even find that their OWN parents get smarter if enough years pass.

 

Why is He Mean to His Little Brother?

 
 
Mom had been preparing two-year-old Jamie for the arrival of the new baby. "Oh, Jamie, it'll be so nice to have a little brother. You'll have someone to play with. I know you'll just love being a big brother." Jamie was all smiles.
 
How long, do you suppose it was before Jamie's smile was gone, and he was not thrilled with the intrusion into his life? You're right. He soon found out that he was no longer the center of attention. His constant acting out just added to the rigors of taking care of a new baby.
 
"I don't know why he has to be so mean to little Jeffrey. I have to watch him every minute for fear that he will hurt the little one," bemoaned Mom.
 
A Solution to This Age Old Problem
Jamie probably feels a loss of love and control. He's trying to get it back the only way he knows how.
 
Sample Dialogue
"Jamie, we are going to have a new baby, and that's hard for everyone. Babies cry a lot and they take up a lot of our time. It won't be fun for a while. You might feel left out sometimes."
 
Teaching How to Get Love and Time on the Parent's Terms
"When you feel left out, come to me and pull on my shirt." (Practice this several times to lock in the training.) "That will tell me that you need some of Mommy's love and time."
 
You will find that giving the older child some control like this does a good job of eliminating his/her trying to get the attention in negative ways. As one mother told me, "Now that I've done that, he no longer bites the baby's toes. I thought he was just being mean, but now I know differently."
 
Thanks for reading about one of the roots of sibling rivalry. You can learn a lot more in my son's CD, Sibling Rivalry: Strategies for Teaching Your Kids How to Get Along.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Jim Fay
 
 
 

Taming the Technology Monster in Your Home

 
 
Do you ever feel like your child's cell phone, MP3 player, game console or computer has taken over your home? While these devices can be wonderful tools for communication, learning, and healthy enjoyment, they can also become dark and destructive without the necessary parental supervision and limits. Listed below are a few examples of the enforceable limits we, as parents, can provide:
  • You may have your computer in the living room, not in your room.
  • You may be on the internet as long as I'm allowed to review your internet history.
  • Feel free to have a cell phone as long as you can pay for the service.
  • You may keep your cell phone as long as you are not using it during meals, at church, while driving, etc.
  • I've encouraged your teachers to keep any cell phones they find you using during class.
  • I allow kids to use technology in my home as long as I feel that they are being respectful and responsible.
  • I immediately donate to charity any devices used to view or send pornography.
  • I report any illegal electronic activities to the police, even when the person involved is my child.
While we can't control what our kids do when they are away from home, we can set good, solid limits when they're under our roofs. If they complain, "You don't trust me!" reply, "I don't even trust myself. Lots of really good people get in trouble with technology. That's why I always make sure that your dad knows what I'm doing on my computer, too."
 
For more technology tips and techniques listen to our brand new MP3 download, Love and Logic Speedy Solutions: Taming the Technology Monster in Your Home. It's only $4.95, no waiting and no shipping fees!
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

 

 

Responding to Bad Grades

 
 
Billy's mother had committed the unthinkable sin of saying "no" to his request for a slingshot. Shortly after his pleading and whining failed, Billy switched to a new tactic.
 
It was time to study his spelling words and he refused. "I'm not studying! I don't care. I hope I get an F. I hope I get all F's forever!"
 
Mom was tempted to argue, but she took care of herself. In the process, she reminded herself that his grades are his grades…not hers:
 
Whose problem is this? HIS. What will probably happen if he doesn't study? He may do poorly on HIS test tomorrow.
 
Instead of fighting, she empathized, "Sounds like you're upset," and walked into the kitchen.
 
Before school the next morning, her beloved Billy asked her, "Are you ready for some F's?" Mom just smiled and answered, "I'll love you whatever grades you decide to earn."
 
Billy blew his spelling test.
 
When his mother discovered the gory grade, she got a slightly sad look on her face - not the crazed enraged one Billy hoped for. Then she asked him how he felt about HIS grade.
 
"I don't know. Not good, I guess."
 
Billy's attempt to manipulate and punish Mom had failed. He tried his best to hook her into his problems, but she dodged the bullet with a nice dose of empathy.
 
Wise parents remember that the more upset they get over their children's grades, the less likely that their kids will begin to get better ones. In our DVD, Hope for Underachieving Kids, my father and I discuss a step-by-step plan for helping kids like Billy learn to reward themselves with good grades, instead of punishing their parents with bad ones.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

 

How to Make Money While You Drive

 
 
Kids can be opportunists, can't they? When do they engage in sibling battles? Is it when we're ready for them, or when we're on the phone or doing something "important" on the computer?
 
Many parents say their kids' favorite time to bicker with each other is while riding in the back of vehicles. Something about Mom or Dad trying to fight traffic or attempting to find an address puts them into attack mode.
 
As I teach in my DVD, How to Make the Best of Sibling Rivalry, some parents decide to prevent backseat bickering and make a few bucks in the process. Before everyone gets in the car, they remind their kids of the policy:
 
"I charge $1.00 per minute to listen to fighting in the car."
 
As their car rolls down the road, these parents don't fear sibling spats. No! They look forward to them as revenue-producing events. When their youngsters start up, they smile and say, "Oh yeah, that sounds like a dollar!"
 
Of course, if we set this limit, we need to have control over the kids' income and follow through by extracting the proper "fine." Some parents don't charge money. Instead, they charge minutes of computer or TV time and some charge chores.
 
The key to success is to set a good, enforceable limit by stating what you will do - "I charge …" - and then hope you get a chance to follow through and prove that your word is gold. Most children find that they'd prefer to spend their cash on fun stuff rather than paying fighting fines.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Have a happy and safe New Year!
Dr. Charles Fay

 

The Raw Power of Questions

 
I last wrote about the power of questions: how questions can actually divert the brain's focus. A person who is thinking in one direction can suddenly find himself/herself thinking in a totally different direction when hit with a question.
 
An example of this happened when Jill said to her teacher, "Well, I wasn't the only one throwing food." Her teacher responded with empathy and a question, "Oh, this is sad. Where are you going to eat now that you can't eat in the cafeteria any more?"
 
"Huh?" Jill's brain, driven by nature to answer questions, had to switch gears and go off in a totally different direction.
 
Most things we say can be turned into a question, putting us in charge of the conversation. Here are some examples of changing orders or statements into questions:
 
Order:  "You aren't going to talk like that in this house."
Question:  "Is this the right place for that language? Thank you."
 
Order:  "If you don't do your homework, you're going to get a bad grade."
Question:  "What kind of grade do you think you'll get without doing your homework?"
 
Order:  "You are not going to drive if you drink."
Question:  "What do you think will happen to your driving privileges if I start worrying about you drinking?"
 
Order:  "You guys better quit fighting over that remote control."
Question:  "Have you guys thought about what might happen to the remote if you keep fighting over it?"
 
Order:  "Quit that bickering!"
Question:  "Hey, guys, what do you think is going to happen if that doesn't stop?"
 
Another example of using a question to change a situation happened when Dr. Charles Fay witnessed three young boys on the school bus becoming rowdy. A teacher told them to settle down. They didn't. Dr. Fay went over to sit with them and asked, "Hey guys. Which one of those Pokemon figures spits fire?"
 
As you can guess, the entire scenario changed as these kids started answering and talking. No discipline was needed. A simple question made a huge change.
 
 
Wishing you a Merry Christmas,
Jim Fay

 

 

Why Do Questions Make Our Kids Think?

 
 
How can we make sure that our kids are doing their fair share of the thinking? How can we keep ourselves from getting pulled into working harder on their lives than they are? How can we help them become prepared for a world full of decisions and consequences?
 
Replace statements with questions.
 
Some of the most powerful moments come when we empower kids by asking them what they plan to do about various situations instead of telling them what they need to do. The implied message we send says, "You are smart. You can come up with the answer." In my CD, Shaping Self-Concept, I teach that kids who are given this gift are far more likely to succeed in school and in life.
 
On top of that, the human brain has a hard time ignoring the questions it hears. It wants to search for the answers - it just can't help itself. What a gift we give kids when we get them to think versus telling them what to do.
 
A child who is redirected with the question, "Are you sure this is the right place for that behavior?" will respond much better than the child who is told, "Stop that!" One method invites thinking; the other invites resistance and battles for control. Which do you prefer?
 
In either case, we are enticing young brains to do lots of thinking by simply asking questions rather than stating "how it is." So, do your kids' brains a favor and feed them a steady diet of questions. Won't it be fun to see the smoke start rolling out of their ears?
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Jim Fay

 

 

 

 

 

Sick of Kids Playing Sick?

 
Maria was growing weary of her daughter's Monday morning routine: Fifth-grade Molly's typical condition was some manufactured illness. Young Molly played and busied herself through the weekend, often talking to friends into the wee hours so much that she was always exhausted by Monday morning and regularly too 'sick' to get up for school. Of course, by Monday afternoon, she always recovered miraculously.
 
Mom decided to experiment with a strategic training session in which the family could predict a misbehavior and set up a plan to handle it. She got together with Dad and one of her friends. By Monday morning, she was hoping that Molly would be too 'sick' to get up for school.
 
Sure enough, Molly moaned and made noises that she'd practiced until they were Oscar material. Instead of arguing or fighting with her blessed daughter, Maria just said, "Oh, sometimes I don't feel very good when I go all weekend without enough rest. Are you sure you're really too sick for school?"
 
Molly was offended. "Yes, I AM too sick to go to school."
 
Mom and the family enacted the rest of the plan: Monday evening, Mom's friend showed up after dinner. Upon her arrival, Mom, Dad and Molly's siblings put on their coats. Molly's eyes got really big…and watery…when she realized that they were all going to see a movie…without her! Of course, she pleaded and protested about how "not fair" it was.
 
With all the empathy Mom could muster, she said, "We take kids places when they are well enough to go to school."
 
Molly grumbled to Mom's friend much of the evening, but she did mention that she was going to school the next day "no matter how awful she felt".
 
For more fun ideas on this subject, check out Jim Fay's CD,
 
Thanks for reading!
 
Jedd Hafer
 

 

 

 

The Most Beautiful Gift: Never-Ending Love

 

Have you noticed how much effort some folks put into finding just the right Christmas gifts for their child? I bet you know someone who doesn't think twice about spending endless hours - or even days - scouring store shelves for that awesome action figure, digital doodad, or doll their child has been wanting.
 
Let's think about it. Is there anything wrong with this? What's the problem with spending lots of time and energy looking for neat and nifty Christmas gifts for our kids?
 
Nothing. But…
 
What happens when we exert more energy on finding these gifts than showing our youngsters what a gift they are to us?
 
Ouch! I've done this. Yes, I've fallen into this trap! I've worn-out myself trying to make things perfect that I've forgotten the most perfect gift of all: the expression of never-ending, unconditional love.
 
We're all wired to need it. All of us yearn for a relationship with someone who will love us forever, regardless of how stinky we behave. Isn't this the greatest gift we can give our loved ones? Isn't this what Christmas is really about?
 
During this Christmas season, my hope is that you'll…
  • spend more time playing with your kids than you spend shopping for them;

  • remember that the gift they really yearn for is you;

  • hug them and smile into their eyes as often as possible; and

  • show them through your never-ending love what a precious gift they are.
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Dr. Charles Fay
 

 

 

 

Are You Sick and Tired of Having to Compete with Your Child's Electronic Devices?

 
I know a mother and father who eat a lot of cold food - all thanks to certain electronics corporations and their teen's single-minded obsession with the darn things.
 
Yes! Nearly every night, these parents beg him to turn off the computer, turn off (or pause) the television, put down the video game controller, or unplug from the music. Their pleas fall on deaf (or earbud-filled) ears.
 
It's not so much that the young man is blatantly defiant. He acknowledges them, at least with a grunt or the universal "just a second." But he's so engrossed in electronics land, that he truly has a hard time ripping his mind away from the device to join the family at the table. Of course, his parents get more and more frustrated as they experience less and less success wooing him from his high-tech goodies. Obviously, this trend is not healthy for the young man or for the evening family meal.
 
Some parents have discovered a magical Love and Logic enforceable statement to help with this type of electronics abuse:
 
"We provide _____________for kids who ___________."
  • "We provide computer time for kids who shut it down the first time they are asked." 

  • "We provide television time for kids who have chores and homework done."

  • "We provide cell phones for kids who refrain from texting during the sermon at church."
As parents, we do provide these things, don't we? And when is a good time to remind kids of all the things that we provide? In a long-winded lecture when we are frustrated? How about before the item or privilege is abused, or with lots of empathy when it has been removed?
 
The key to success with this phrase is our willingness to follow-through and the empathy in our voices, and on our faces, when kids lose the use of the device when it is abused.
 
For more great tips for the teenage years, check out the CD Trouble-free Teens.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. 
 
Dr. Charles Fay





 When Kids Lie

 
There are few things that leave parents angrier, or more worried, than when their kids act "truthfulness-challenged." The good news about lying is that kids do it. What I mean is that all youngsters experiment with bending the truth, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they'll end up becoming con men, criminals or politicians. That is, as long as we can help them see that honesty really is the best policy.
 
One way of achieving this goal is to apply the following steps:
  1. Use "I feel like you lied to me" rather than "You lied to me."

      If your kid replies with "No, I didn't!" this allows you to say, "I know…but I feel like you did."

  2. Help the child see lying as an index of maturity.

      Achieve this by saying, "When I feel lied to, it makes me wonder whether you are mature enough to handle some of the privileges you enjoy around here, like television, your video games, and things like that."

  3. In an empathetic way, let the child know that privileges will return when maturity goes up.

      "The good news is that when you can prove to me that you are more mature, I'll know that it's time for you to have these privileges again."

  4. Remember that parenting isn't like a jury trial: There's no need to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

      Far too many parents get snowed by their manipulative kids and begin to wonder whether they are jumping to conclusions. I recommend trusting your heart and saying, "All I know is that I feel lied to, and I know that your life will be a lot happier if you learn how to avoid leaving people feeling that way."
For more tips on responding to lying, listen to Dr. Foster Cline's CD, Childhood Lying, Stealing and Cheating.
 
Thanks for reading!
 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

Should We Force Children to Apologize?

 
Since the dawn of time, parents have felt a tremendous responsibility to make their children apologize to others for their wrongdoings. "Go tell him that you're sorry" must be one of the most commonly uttered phrases by adults at playgrounds throughout the world.
 
Here are some Love and Logic thoughts on the subject:
  1. Forced apologies are rarely sincere apologies.

      While I agree that children should apologize when they cause problems, whether they do so with a sincere heart is something we cannot always control. Probably the best way to up the odds is for us to be good models of this in front of our kids.

  2. Actions speak louder than words.

      There's a big difference between a person saying that they are sorry and showing that they are. Saying is relatively easy. Showing is a lot tougher.

  3. Kids should be expected to do something that demonstrates their remorse.

      Wise parents say, "Telling him that you are sorry is a great way to start! What can you do to show him that you are sorry?"

  4. Younger children typically need some guidance figuring out what they might do to demonstrate their sorrow.

      Wise parents also give some options: "Some kids decide to write a nice card. How would that work? Some kids decide to buy a new one with their own money.…"

When all else fails, some parents experiment with the Energy Drain technique. In his CD, Love and Logic Magic® When Kids Drain Your Energy, my dad, Jim Fay, teaches how to inform your children that refusing to do something that you've asked of them drains your energy. Until they get that energy replaced, you'll need to rest instead of doing special things for them.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

 

 

Aren't There Enough Unpleasant, Rude People in the World?

 
 
If there weren't enough pleasantness-challenged people in the world, there might be a good reason for creating more of them. But, as you've probably noticed, there seem to be plenty.
 
Mary is doing her part to increase the ratio of world niceness to nastiness. She also knows that nice kids are more likely to choose nice nursing homes for their elderly parents. As a result, she's careful to demonstrate niceness to the teller at the bank, to the mail carrier, to the grocery store checkout clerk, etc.
 
Mary has a secret: she doesn't always feel like being so pleasant to every one of these folks. Sometimes, she'd just as soon nod, grunt, or ignore them altogether. But Mary has her precious little daughter Shelby in tow as she goes to all these places and sees these individuals.
 
From my son's DVD, Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years, Mary was reminded that important values such as respect are "caught" by little ones through the powerful force of modeling. She could spend lots of time telling Shelby to be nice, but she has learned that it is far more effective to show Shelby exactly what it looks like.
 
Shelby has even learned to say nice things and smile as they progress through their day. And even at her young age, little Shelby has noticed that people seem to be happier around Mommy, and they often tend to be nice right back. Can you imagine the advantage Shelby might have when she's making friends or interviewing for jobs some day?
 
If only more moms and dads set out intentionally to model courtesy and respectfulness for their kids when they were driving, running errands, and interacting with other human beings. It just might work better than yelling, "Hey! You be nice!", when they are less-than-sweet.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.
 
Jim Fay

 

 

 

Four Tips for Soothing Sibling Rivalry

 
 
Why is sibling rivalry such a perplexing issue for so many parents? Simply because we can't make our kids love each other. That's completely out of our control.
 
Listed below are just a few of the many things we can control:
  1. Whether we do extra things for kids who are battling with each other.
    2.  

    It's perfectly reasonable for a parent to say, "This is such a bummer. I'm tired-out from listening to you arguing with each other. I don't have the energy to drive you to your friends' houses."

  2. Whether we allow certain items to remain in our homes.


    3. A friend of ours said to her kids, "This is so sad. Every time you guys play with that game you get in a fight. I gave it away so it wouldn't be a problem anymore."

  3. Whether we allow their fighting to interrupt our responsibilities and time.


    4. Have you ever noticed how kids tend to argue and bicker with each other when you are trying to do something that requires your complete attention such as trying to talk on the phone? If you feel secure that your kids won’t harm each other, it's probably best to say, "This is really draining my energy. You guys need to work this out or go your separate ways."

  4. Whether we give them "bonding opportunities."


    5. When your kids start to battle with each other, experiment with saying, "Sounds like you guys need some bonding time." Then assign them some chores to give them an opportunity to feel the love.
 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

Getting the Respect You Deserve

Do your kids wipe their feet on you like a doormat? Do you ever find yourself grieving because you've lost the dream of having kind, appreciative kids?

 
You're not alone, and there are steps you can take to begin turning things around.
  • On a daily basis, remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with the same level of respect with which you treat your kids.
    Maintaining this attitude of self-respect gives us the intestinal fortitude to expect respect in a respectful way.

  • Don't move on until you've neutralized arguing.
    This means repeating something like, "I love you too much to argue," instead of getting pulled into a debate.

  • When you become good at neutralizing arguments, begin setting small yet completely controllable limits.
    Pick small issues that you have total control over. Then set limits you are prepared to enforce. For example: "I'll get that for you when I hear 'please.'"

    Since you've already mastered the ability to stay out of arguments, you'll be prepared for your child's reaction.

  • Remember to model an assertive, respectful and empathetic attitude.
    When we've been treated badly by our kids, it's easy to fall into the trap of providing consequences with a "get-even" attitude. If we do, our kids will sense this and rebel.

  • Begin to set progressively larger limits.
    When our youngsters begin to see that we can handle smaller situations without backing-down or losing our cool, it becomes easier to set and enforce limits over big issues.
The key to rebuilding respect from our kids involves proving to them that we can handle them without getting frustrated or angry. In my CD, Oh Great! What do I do now?, I provide more practical tips for making this happen.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

Some Tips for Helping Anxious Kids

Like nearly all of the challenges faced by parents, anxiety in children has many possible causes and solutions. Fortunately, Love and Logic offers a variety of "experiments" to determine what might work best with each unique child:

 
Establish or strengthen family routines.
With anxious, fearful kids, experiment with having set times for meals, bath times, reading, chores, bed times, etc.
 
Provide firmer limits.
There are few things more reassuring to a child than knowing that they have parents who are strong enough to beat-up the Boogie Man if he broke into the house at night. All children wonder if they have parents who are strong enough to keep them safe. One of the ways they find out is to test limits and see if their parents appear weak or very strong.
 
Give less attention to anxious behavior.
Experiment with using fewer words when your child is upset. Simply hug them and say, "I know you can handle this."
 
Model calmness and optimism.
Our children will rarely be any calmer and more confident than we are.
 
Avoid reinforcing avoidance behavior.
Too frequently we traumatize children more by allowing them to repeatedly avoid healthy activities that can build their sense of security and self-esteem.
 
Allow your child to be a child.
Every year, children are being pushed harder to become stars in academics, athletics, music, etc. This isn't good for kids.
 
Consider professional help.
Because anxiety can have so many different causes, it's always wise to get a professional medical opinion.
 
In my webinar, Love and Logic Solutions for Early Childhood, I provide a variety of strategies that send children the message that they are loved and secure. When kids feel this way, they are more capable of facing life without fear.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

 

 

Childhood Lying

 
 
A dad got a call from his son’s teacher, "Mr. Jenkins, you’ve got to do something about Travis. He's been calling other kids names during recess and it's causing a lot of trouble. I think you need to have a talk with him."
 
"Well, Mrs. Alexander, are you sure? Have you seen him doing that or are you just taking the word of the other kids?"
 
"I'm sorry, but I've witnessed it myself, otherwise I wouldn't have called."
 
"Ok, I'll have a talk with him. Thanks."
 
Later that evening Dad talked to Travis. "Travis, are you calling the other kids names during recess?"
 
"No."
 
"Well, your teacher says you are. Now what's the story?"
 
"I don't know. She's lying."
 
If you know a child did something, don't set him up to lie by asking about it.
 
This was Dad's mistake. Kids, like most adults, will lie to protect themselves. Since Dad knew that the name-calling was happening it would have been better to handle it by saying, "Travis, I know that you've been calling the other kids names during recess. I expect it to stop." Travis will still try to get out of it with, "But I'm not."
 
Dad's response should be, "We're not talking about that. What did I say about it?"
 
Travis may still continue to try to protect himself with denials and Dad's job is to continue to say, "I know and what did I say about that?"
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Jim Fay

 

 

 

Too Many Words

 
 
"That boy is going to be the death of me. He never listens. I tell him and I tell him, but do you think he cares what I say? No! Not in the least. I don't know how he is going to learn if he never listens."
 
We've all heard the parent who talks like this, and I'm sure you've said to yourself, "Now we know the problem, too many words and not enough actions."
 
How old were you when you learned to shut out your parents' lectures? Lectures didn't work for our parents and they seldom work for us. They don't even bring out the best in our spouses.
 
The best rule of thumb is:
Keep it short.
Keep it polite.
Make it a question.
 
"Oh, Darla, I noticed that you were being a bit snippy with your friends when we were in the car. Do you ever worry about losing their friendship because of that?"
 
It's possible you might get a snippy answer like, "No, besides it's none of your business."
 
Instead of lecturing, stick with your polite questions. "Oh, sweetie, that might be true, but if not, do you have a plan? Good luck."
 
Polite questions get kids thinking. Lecturing shuts the door to listening.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
 
Jim Fay

 

 

Making School More Exciting for Your Kids

Dear Insider Club Member,
 
I can still remember how I felt as a child upon seeing the very first "back-to-school" advertisement on TV. While a bit sad over the fact that summer vacation was almost over, I always felt a strange sort of relief knowing that before long I'd be doing something more exciting.
 
Summer was fun at first, then it got really boring. Only as an adult have I learned that my parents actually planned it that way. Their idea was to create a two-part summer: Part one was filled with fun: fun that helped us recharge our batteries after a long, hard school year. Part two was filled with a good amount of boredom and plenty of chores: dull duties that helped us really look forward to being able to escape to school in the fall.
 
On the first day of school will your kids go into shock when they are expected to sit at their desks, listen to their teachers, and complete assignments? Or, will they experience a sense of relief, thinking, "Wow! This sure is easier and more fun than being at home!"
 
As the school year looms large, might it be wise to begin making your home more boring and more chore-laden? Wise teachers know that kids who are used to doing plenty of chores at home are far more likely to excel at doing plenty of work at school.
 
In his CD, Didn't I Tell You To Take Out the Trash?!, my father, Jim Fay, teaches simple techniques for getting kids to do their chores without reminders and without pay. If you want a happier home, and happier, more responsible kids, this CD is a must.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend or visit www.loveandlogic.com/join to sign up.
 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

 

 

 

Teach Your Toddler How to Drive the Car

 
 
When is it best to start giving your kids driving lessons? Regardless of whether we intend to or not, we begin providing "driver's education" classes as soon as our kids are old enough to sit in a forward-facing child safety seat. Yep! Young children begin to develop very clear notions about how to operate a vehicle about 13 years before the typical parent decides that it's time to start teaching the basics. As we all know, little ones watch our every move, learning at the speed of light.
 
Being careful and considerate drivers dramatically ups the odds that our kids will survive behind the wheel. Another strategy for saving their lives involves making it clear to them - early in their lives - that they will be allowed to drive only when they are able to pay for it. When your child is still young, say the following:
 
Sweetie, do you think you will be able to drive the car when you are sixteen? In this family, kids get to drive only when they are able to pay for insurance, maintenance, gas, and other expenses. I have some ideas about how you can save some money and do extra jobs. The great thing is that you've got plenty of time. You're only five!
 
Wise parents set up a special bank account where their children can begin to save money for driving. Can you imagine how much safer your teen will be if, when they turn sixteen, they think, "Finally I get to drive. I've spent the last ten years working and saving to afford this!"?
 
For more tips on raising kids who become smart, responsible teens, listen to our CD, Developing Character in Teens.
 
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

You Don't Trust Me

Does this scenario sound familiar? "The trouble with you is that you just don't trust me. If you did, you wouldn't be asking these stupid questions about where I'm going and stuff." Britney is railing against her mom's wanting some simple explanations about the party Britney and her friends are going to.

 
We've all heard this ultimate teen manipulation. Britney expects her mom to feel guilty and back off. She's hoping to hear a response like, "Of course I trust you. All I want to know is where you're going to be and … " If this happens, this typical teen can then take mom on a series of "bird walks" until she wears down and gives in while never actually getting the information she was looking for.
 
Let's give this mom a pat on the back and an extra high five for her response.
 
"Actually Britney," she says, "there are several issues here. I trust that you are very smart, I trust that you have the best of intentions, and I trust that your short 16 years of life has yet to give you the wisdom to handle all situations."
 
"Wisdom comes from intelligence combined with experience. So, yes, I trust that your wisdom will come after a lot more experience. Until you've lived long enough to have both wisdom and intelligence, I'll be asking questions so I can share my wisdom and experience."
 
"You may attend the party when you answer my questions and when I think you have seriously considered my advice. Thank you."
 
Mom didn't fall for the "You don't trust me" manipulation. You don't have to either.
 
Keep the book Love and Logic Magic When Kids Leave You Speechless on your nightstand. When you find it hard to answer your youngster, say, "I'm not sure how to react to that; I'll get back to you." Then go to your book for the right words.
 
Thanks for reading,
Jim Fay

 

Are You Remembering the Empathy?

What's the most important Love and Logic skill? Empathy! During the 1970's my father and
Dr. Foster Cline discovered that adults who provided a strong dose of empathy - before delivering consequences - enjoyed far more success than those who preceded consequences with anger or sarcasm.
 
When children experience our love and understanding, before they experience the sad consequences of their actions, the odds go up that they'll learn from their mistakes. When they experience coldness or anger, the odds go up that they'll learn to feel resentful and rebellious.
 
We've observed that it's typical for folks to slip out of the habit of using this skill. It doesn't come naturally to continue uttering things like "This is so sad" or "What a bummer" when our kids blow it. The more natural reaction many have is to complain, "For crying-out-loud! What were you thinking?"
 
In our audio, Keeping Cool When Parenting Heats Up, we discuss a variety of tips for staying calm and remembering to use empathy:
  • Avoid giving repeated warnings and reminders. The more we put up with bad behavior, the more likely we'll come across as angry and frustrated when we finally provide a consequence.
  • Give yourself permission to say, "I'm too angry to think right now. We'll talk about this later when I'm calm."
  • Memorize just one empathetic statement, such as "What a bummer," "How sad," or "Oh … that's never good." Just use the same one every time.
  • Whenever you find yourself starting to slip, listen to this audio at least once a day for at least a week.
I'm also more likely to remember my empathy when I remember that my kids may some day choose my nursing home!
 
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
 

 

Getting Kids to Think

Have you ever stopped to think about what a blessing it is to be a good thinker? Now I'm not necessarily talking about being a genius or intellectually gifted. I'm mostly referring to being able to use good problem-solving skills and good old-fashioned common sense.
 
As this world becomes ever more complex and temptation-laden, it becomes more and more important that we teach our kids how to build their mental muscles. Listed below are some quick tips:
  • When your kids ask you for help with something, encourage them to try a bit longer before you jump in to help them. The only way to really learn good thinking skills is by having to figure out some things on your own.
  • Ask them as many questions as possible. Examples include, "What else might you try? What have you seen other people do to solve this problem? What would happen if you tried_________? Where might you learn how to do that? Is that something you could learn about in a book, by asking someone, or by looking on the internet?"
  • Allow them to mess up. Too frequently, we step in and tell kids exactly what to do when we worry that they might make a mistake. When the consequences are small, allow them to blow it and learn.
In our book, Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless, we also teach the importance of limiting the amount of TV kids watch and how to deal with all of the arguing that can happen when we begin to set limits. The less TV your kids watch the better thinkers they will become.
 
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

Easing Separation Anxiety

I am often asked, "How do I help my child feel less anxious about going to daycare, preschool or the babysitter?" If you have kids, the odds are pretty high that you've pondered this question and wondered what to do. Listed below are some quick tips:
  • Remember that kids take their emotional cues from the adults around them.
       
    • The calmer and more business-like we act, the easier it'll be for our kids.
     
  • Avoid doing too much reassuring.
     
    • Strangely, the more we talk with our little ones about how much fun they are going to have, the more anxiety they seem to have. It's as if they reason, "If my parents have to tell me this is going to be okay, maybe it won't."
     
  • Make the transition short and sweet.
     
    • The quicker you move, the faster your child will calm down once you leave.
     
  • Don't look back.
     
    • Although it's hard to resist the urge to go back and comfort your child, he or she will calm down far quicker if you keep going and don't look back.
While all children are different, some separation anxiety is normal and healthy. Generally speaking, the tots who feel the most secure when they are with their parents are the ones who feel the most secure when they are away from their parents. A large part of providing this security involves combining big doses of love with good, solid limits. For more tips on parenting secure and confident kids, participate in my LIVE webinar, Love and Logic Solutions for Early Childhood. This! exciting and informative two night session will broadcast Monday, May 3 from 7:00pm-8:00pm MDT AND Tuesday, May 4 from 7:00pm-8:00pm MDT.
 
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
 

 

 


 

 

Teaching Kids to Wait

Have you ever met an impatient adult who demanded to be served without ever having to wait? As a teenager and young adult, I worked a few restaurant jobs where I really got to see the long-term results of poor parenting in some of our impatient patrons. Years later as a psychologist, I met many couples whose on-going marital conflict had a lot to do with the fact that they never learned to delay gratification as kids. On the highways of life, how many times do we see impatient people risk their lives - and the lives of many others - by trying to get just one car length ahead?
 
Are you giving your kids enough practice waiting? Or, have you fallen into the habit of serving them quickly to avoid a fit? Using behavioral conditioning, many children train their parents to jump to their every whim. They do this by gradually increasing the frequency and intensity of the punishment they provide when their parents don't move fast enough to meet their demands. As you well know, this "punishment" comes in the form of constantly repeating the same demand, whining, yelling, screaming, or even hitting.
 
Wise parents avoid this trap by setting solid limits:
  • I'll get that for you after I've seen you wait patiently.

  • I do things for kids who aren't being pushy and demanding.

  • You may have that when you've earned it.
Wise parents also remember:
 
The more I appease my child when he is young, the nastier and unhappier he will be as an adult.
 
If your kids have already become a bit too demanding and argumentative, learn how to put an end to this manipulation by reading Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless.
 
Thanks for reading!
 
Dr. Charles Fay



 

 

 Stay Involved with Your Teens

Too many parents fall into the terrible trap of believing that their teens no longer need them. Since their youngsters act mortified by kisses, hugs, questions about their day, and other parental acts of love, they come to the conclusion that it's time for hands-off parenting.

 
Wise parents understand that it's their teenager's job to test limits and to act annoyed by loving parental involvement in their lives. Wise parents also understand that it's critical to stay heavily involved with their teens-despite all of the complaining.
 
In his CD, Hormones and Wheels, my father, Jim Fay, gives practical advice for achieving this goal without creating major rebellion. One of the keys involves allowing our teens to make as many decisions as possible, as long as those decisions don't have life and death consequences.
 
As a teen, I experienced Love and Logic parenting and it literally saved my life. Many of my friends' parents were distancing themselves from their teens, allowing them to run amok. Others were clamping down like full-fledged dictators. Both groups created kids who didn't have a clue how to think and make safe decisions. That's why we lost a few of them to traffic- and drug-related deaths before they graduated from high school.
 
Hug your teens, but not in front of their friends. Do your very best to meddle in their lives so that you know where they are and who they are with. Set plenty of limits, but let them make as many decisions as possible. In this way, you'll save your relationship and their lives.
 
Thanks for reading!
 
Dr. Charles Fay


 

 

The Power of a Quiet Voice 

 
When your kids act-up, does your voice get louder or quieter? When I'm having a good day - and I'm practicing what I preach - my voice gets softer. From years of observing successful parents and educators, I learned the value of leaning close to a child's ear and whispering a question:
 
Are you going to settle down, or do you need to spend some time in your room?

Can you use a quiet voice in here or would it be best for you eat outside so you can yell?

Do you think you can play with that nicely, instead of hitting your brother with it?
 
There's true power in the quiet voice! In my CD, Oh Great! What do I do Now?, I teach the importance of making discipline look easy, even when our kids are taking limit-testing to the limit. When we can handle things with a whisper, our kids begin to reason, "Wow! If mom handled me that easily, what else does she have up her sleeve?"
 
While there are times when it's appropriate to raise our voices a bit, doing it too often trains our children to respond only when we're flexing our vocal cords. I don't know about you, but this wears me out! I think I'd rather whisper and then prove to my kids that I'll follow-up with actions rather than words. I heard this example from a Love and Logic dad:
 
Last week I whispered to my four-year-old, "You may keep the toys you pick up." That afternoon, I picked up the ones he left out, put them in the attic, and kept my mouth shut. Yesterday, I whispered the same thing, and he yelled, "No! I'll pick them up!" And he did!
 
Thanks for reading!
 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

Off to School on Time

Young teens, Maggie and Marcy, were on mom's last nerve. They couldn't seem to get themselves going in the morning. Getting them out of bed was like pulling teeth. Since mom drove them to school on her way to work, waiting for them caused her to be late for work several times.

Mom finally decided to take charge of the situation. (Otherwise known as setting limits by taking care of herself.) She bought them an alarm clock and announced that they would be waking themselves from now on.

She also called their attention to the family bulletin board, saying, "From now on my car will be leaving at 7:15 each morning. Feel free to ride with me if you are up and ready. If not, I've listed several options for getting to school.

"The phone number for the cab company is listed on the bulletin board. If you don't like their price, I talked to Mrs. Lackey next door. She'd like to earn some extra money, and would be glad to drive you for $7.00. Or, you can call dad at work and see how much he would charge to come home to give you a ride. I have no idea how much that would cost.”

Let's give mom some well-deserved pats on the back. I guess I don't need to tell you how this situation worked out.

You can read more solutions like this in Pearls of Love and Logic.

Thanks for reading,
Jim Fay



 

 

What's Worthwhile is Rarely Easy

Did your parents have pet phrases that drove you nuts as a kid? My pop had many. "For crying-out loud!" was his second most favorite. "When I was a kid …" came in a close third.
 
Believe it or not, neither of these had a profound impact on my life, although I do use them from time to time to annoy my own kids. My father's first most favorite pet phrase was different. It's served me well my entire adulthood:
 
Well, Charlie, what's really worthwhile in life is rarely easy.
 
Many of today's children grow-up in homes where they rarely get this powerful message about struggle. As a result, they live their lives going from one easy thing to the next, desperately trying to find fulfillment. Do you know anyone who does this - and never finds joy and meaning?
 
Give your kids the gift of hearing you talk about the satisfaction that comes from hard work. In my new book, Parenting Kids to Become the People Employers Really Want and…America Desperately Needs, I discuss how those who get this message become the people who employers want and America desperately needs. I also remind readers that the best way to permanently ingrain this belief in your kids is to have them overhear you talking about your own struggles and the satisfaction that delayed gratification, hard work, and achievement bring. What our kids overhear is far more powerful than what we tell them.
 
Thanks for loving your kids enough to annoy them with things that will help them as adults!
 
Dr. Charles Fay

 

Threats and Warnings

Little Cleo looked out of the corner of her eye at her Mom with one of those testing looks, then pushed her child sized grocery cart into the legs of her sister.

"Quit that," warned Mom. "I've warned you about that three times already. If you do it again I'm going to take it away!"

Three minutes later Cleo was doing it again.

"Cleo, I said no," yelled Mom. "Now you stop it! You're going to be in big trouble! How many times do I have to tell you?"

Ten minutes later, I saw Mom still making threats. I'm not sure she was aware of Cleo's sly little grin.

During the same trip, I watched another Mom dealing with the same problem. There were no threats.

"Willie, you know better than that. Follow me." She calmly walked to the front of the store with her son trailing behind.

"Leave your cart with the others here. You can try it again next time we're in the store."

"But, Mom. I'll be good. I promise."

"I'm sure you will next time we shop."

A sobbing little Willie followed his mom through the store.

Let's all give Willie's mother a big hand. And let's give Cleo's mom a moment of silence. The threats and warnings may still be going on while we read this.

Thanks for reading,
Jim Fay

 

Contentment as a Character Value

What makes a truly happy person? Ah, the age-old question! Is it lots of stuff and lots of entertaining activities? Or…could it possibly be something that resides inside the person?

Truly happy people learned early in their lives how to be content whatever the circumstances.
 
Yes! Sincerely joyful people understand that basing one's happiness on the acquisition of material possessions and participation in exciting activities leads to ever-increasing unhappiness and stress. Because of their wisdom in this matter, they focus on finding contentment in healthy relationships.

Do you want your kids to spend their lives searching for the pot-o'-gold at the end of the rainbow? Do you want them spinning their wheels, racing toward something that doesn't exist? If you care enough to spend time reading tips from the Love and Logic Institute, I'm sure that you don't!
 
As early in life as possible, start teaching them that happiness comes from having loving relationships with people…rather than things.

Because of the materialistic culture we live in, I think all of us are finding this a bigger challenge than ever. That's why it's more important than ever to do two things:
  • Spend loving time with our kids.

  • Say "No" when they ask for lots of stuff.
In our book, Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless, we give a variety of examples of how to do this…and how to deal with any arguing that may come as a result. One strategy involves calmly repeating, "I love you too much to argue with you about stuff," as you hold firm to the limit you've set.

Have a happy and safe New Year!
Dr. Charles Fay

 

Have a Perfectly Imperfect Christmas
 

What was your best Christmas as a kid? Was it the one where there was a lot of stress about a perfect meal elegantly served-on time-to a perfectly dressed family? Or was it the one where the dog pulled the turkey off the stove and dragged it away through the dog door? There was no perfect meal that day. Everyone rolled with the punches. They rolled up their sleeves and worked together in the kitchen to salvage a makeshift meal.

The beauty of that memory is not in perfection and organization, but in remembering the joy of being together and doing things together. It was the laughter. It was one of those days when the choices were to laugh or to cry, so you all laughed it off and enjoyed one another. It brought you all together in a different way.

Holidays are times for enjoying one another. We are not suggesting that you purposely feed the turkey to the pets, but we strongly suggest that an imperfect day with little stress will create better memories of loving relationships.

We wish you a perfectly imperfect holiday season,
Jim Fay 
 

 

 

Role Models

Are your kids falling into the trap of seeing professional athletes as role models? I hope you are encouraging them to view these people as great role models for how to play the sport, while at the same time showing them that they may not be good role models for how to lead a responsible life.

Now might be a good time to have a conversation about role models:

"I see you really like the way Tiger Woods plays the game of golf. I bet you like the way he prepares both physically and mentally. He sets a good example for this. Kobe Bryant is also a good role model for competitive basketball playing.

What kind of an example do you think they are setting about how to be a great dad, a loving husband, and an honest, responsible person? Can you think of some good role models for character? Tell me what they do that makes them good role models.

I hope that when you study people you look at their character. If so, maybe you'll never get trapped into believing that being a good athlete, musician, or performer automatically makes you a great person.

My wish for you is that you grow up to be somebody's model for honesty, caring, and responsibility. If so, you won't have to face the public humiliation that Tiger Woods and others have faced when their real character became known."

Thanks for reading!
Jim Fay

 

 

When You Have No Control

There are three areas of our kids' lives over which we wished we had total control. These include:
  • Input…what goes into their body and when.
  • Output…what goes out of their body and when.
  • Between the ears…what they think, believe and learn.

When it comes to what a child eats, when and where they poop, and the ideas that roll around in their heads, trying to take a heavy parental hand never gets happy results.

A far more productive approach involves developing and maintaining a great relationship with our kids, modeling healthy behavior in these areas, and sharing concern when we see them acting in unhealthy ways. Of course, the key to all of this is the relationship…it's what makes our kids want to copy our behavior and want to listen to our concerns.

After listening to Jim Fay’s CD Shaping Self-Concept, one mother said to her teenage daughter, "I need to apologize for nagging you so much about eating healthy food. I've gotten so uptight about this issue that I've forgotten to nag you about what a wonderful kid you are. I'm still concerned about your eating habits, but I know that you are the only one who can decide what you want for your life."

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

 

Kids and Smoking

 

When youngsters find themselves in tough spots, how we've handled their mistakes in the past will have a lot to do with whether they fess-up and accept our guidance or continue to remain stuck in the bad situation they've created.

Smoking is one of the many bad decisions that falls into this category. Many kids decide to experiment with this dangerous habit and quickly find themselves hooked. Since we can't follow our kids every second of the day to make sure they never light a cigarette, it's far more productive to offer concern and guidance rather than anger and threats.

With a combination of loving humor, empathy and sincerity we can plant some seeds in our child's mind: "Amy, I'm really worried that your siblings are going to get all of your inheritance."

Of course, Amy won't quite understand. "Huh?"

"Well, I'm thinking that you stand a pretty good chance of getting lung or some other sort of cancer that will wipe you out before you can get your hands on our cash. But seriously, we worry about you…because we love you. A lot of kids get hooked on cigarettes and then don't know how to stop smoking. Heck, quitting is really hard for most adults. If you decide that you want some help with this, just ask. Your mom and I really want to help."  

 

 

 

 

Don't Spoil Them Rotten!
Tips for Raising Kids Who Love You More Than Your Money

Remember that struggle builds self-esteem.
Requiring our kids to earn some of the things they want is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

Set limits by saying "yes" instead of "no."
Saying, "Yes, you may have those sneakers if you pay for half of them" is far more effective than, "I am not buying those for you! Do you think that money grows on trees?"

Show them that arguing and manipulation don't work.
Experiment with calmly repeating, "I love you too much to argue" regardless of what they say. They'll be madder in the short-term yet happier in the long-term.

Expect them to do chores without being paid.
Experiment with saying, "I'll be happy to ______________ when your chores are done."

Let them see you say "no" to yourself.
When our kids see us resisting the urge to buy everything we want, they are far more likely to develop humility and responsibility.

After learning about Love and Logic, one couple commented, "When we were kids, nobody in our community had designer clothes, sports cars, or cell phones. It was a lot easier to be a kid and to be a parent. Your book gave us the courage to do what we already knew was right. Now our kids have the most old-fashioned parents on the block!"

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

 

Positive Reinforcement: Examples and Cautions

Dear Insider Club Member,

If you've followed Love and Logic® for any period of time, you know how strongly we believe in holding youngsters accountable for their mistakes and misdeeds. As most of us have learned the hard way, the road to wisdom and responsibility is paved with plenty of small mistakes and their consequences.

As we go about shaping the hearts and minds of our children, it's important to remember that this road is also paved with positives. While it's unrealistic…and not too healthy…to reward our kids every time they do something good, we're wise to remember the value of reinforcing good behavior and good deeds.

The healthiest and most powerful types of reinforcement involve time and attention rather than stuff. Examples include:

  • Sitting on the floor with your toddler as you allow them to repeatedly destroy your tower of blocks
  • Noticing something your teen has done well and patting them on the back
  • Saying to your child, "It looks like you really worked hard on that. I bet you're proud of yourself."
  • Playing catch
  • Doing a puzzle together
  • Etc.

As we provide reinforcement, it's wise to remember the following:

  • Reinforcement is more powerful when it comes as a surprise to our kids.
  • Reinforcement loses its power when our youngsters come to expect it.
  • Rewards should not be given every time our kids do something good.
  • When our kids beg for or demand rewards, they shouldn't get them.
  • Avoid saying, "You are so smart." Focus on your child's hard work and perseverance.
  • Your love should never be used as a reward or a consequence. Your children should have it all of the time.

The most successful parents always remember that it's their job to give their kids the most accurate taste of the real world as possible. This means that we help them understand that much of the time hard work and good deeds provide positive results. It also means helping them understand that we do these good things because they’re the right thing to do…rather than because we expect rewards for doing them.

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

 

TV and Bedtime: Not a Good Combo for Little Kids

I have to imagine that, since the beginning of time, parents have found the toughest part of their childrearing day to be the very last bit of it. A big part of this has to do with what professor-types call an "inverse relationship" between parental eyelid sag and kid eyelid sag. In other words:

The more exhausted we become, the more energized our kids seem to get.

One modern factor contributing to this problem is young children watching television in the evening. Regardless of how "educational" the show or video is, something about the fast-paced images electrifies their little neurons. By the time they're supposed to be winding down and hitting the sack, they're hitting high gear.

In my DVD, Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years, I discuss the importance of calming routines before bedtime. This means having a predictable sequence of activities that take place at more or less the same time each evening…and are always done in more or less the same way. For example, one family may have dinner at about the same time each evening, give the kids a bath, read books in the same chair, tell stories, play the same silly games, hug and kiss the kids, and say, "See ya in the morning."

A critical part of this routine involves the following:

Turn off the TV at least one hour before bedtime.

To make your parenting even more powerful, you may want to consider taking an even bigger leap:

Keep the TV off…for good.

While these routines don't guarantee smooth bedtimes, they up the odds!

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

 

Is Your Teen A Textaholic?


How many text messages is your teen sending and receiving per day? According to the Nielsen Company, the answer is about 80. Yep! Eighty text messages in one day…not in a year…but just one day! It makes my brain…and thumbs…and wallet hurt just thinking about it. To make matters even scarier, a study by AAA recently reported that 46% of teens admit texting while driving. Ouch!

Maybe these studies are flawed, causing these numbers to be inaccurately elevated. Anything's possible. Let's say that teens only send and receive 40 texts per day…and that only 23% of them admit texting while driving. Yikes, that's still high!

Data like this tempts me to do some pretty ineffective things with my kids. These include quitting my job so that I can follow them around all of the time, using duct tape to restrain their thumbs and fingers, moving the family to a cell-phone-free zone within the Arctic Circle, yelling, screaming, etc.

Particularly with teens, all we really have control over is:

  • How we act around them
  • What we provide for them

Rather than moving to an igloo, it's far wiser to model responsible cell phone use and to set firm limits over who pays for the phone. This might sound like, "Honey, you may have a phone when you can pay for it. If it will help any, you can just tell your friends that your parents are so old fashioned that they think that talking face to face with your friends is better than texting. And…by the way…we love you and would miss you if you died while texting behind the wheel."


Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

 

Skipping Classes

Toby was admitting to his mom that he had skipped one of his classes six times.

"Oh, no," responded Mom. "You're going to fail that class."

"No, Mom. I'm not going to fail. You worry about everything. It's no big deal."

"Wait a minute," she answered. "The school rule says that five unexcused absences earn a failing grade."

"Don't worry, Mom. I'm covered."

"Wait a minute. You didn't commit forgery, did you?"

"Yeah, Mom. But it's no big deal; everybody does it."

Believe it or not, Mom called a national talk show asking for advice about how to handle it without letting Toby fail the class.

If I were to ask you about this, you'd probably tell me that Toby needs to face the music. He needs to confess and learn from the situation. And you would be right.

Toby's mother can either stand between his bad decision and the consequences, or she can stand beside him, supporting him as he learns from it. She can't do both.

I'd suggest that she say to Toby, "What a sad situation, Toby. How do you want to confess? Do you want to do it in person, in writing, or would you rather have me help you by going with you to the principal's office? I bet you might like a hug right now. I know that I do."

Thanks for reading,
Jim Fay

 

Aren't There Enough Unpleasant, Rude People in the World?

Dear Insider Club Member,
 
If there weren't enough pleasantness-challenged people in the world, there might be a good reason for creating more of them. But, as you've probably noticed, there seem to be plenty.
 
Mary is doing her part to increase the ratio of world niceness to nastiness. She also knows that nice kids are more likely to choose nice nursing homes for their elderly parents. As a result, she's careful to demonstrate niceness to the teller at the bank, to the mail carrier, to the grocery store checkout clerk, etc.
 
Mary has a secret: she doesn't always feel like being so pleasant to every one of these folks. Sometimes, she'd just as soon nod, grunt, or ignore them altogether. But Mary has her precious little daughter Shelby in tow as she goes to all these places and sees these individuals.
 
From my son's DVD, Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years, Mary was reminded that important values such as respect are "caught" by little ones through the powerful force of modeling. She could spend lots of time telling Shelby to be nice, but she has learned that it is far more effective to show Shelby exactly what it looks like.
 
Shelby has even learned to say nice things and smile as they progress through their day. And even at her young age, little Shelby has noticed that people seem to be happier around Mommy, and they often tend to be nice right back. Can you imagine the advantage Shelby might have when she's making friends or interviewing for jobs some day?
 
If only more moms and dads set out intentionally to model courtesy and respectfulness for their kids when they were driving, running errands, and interacting with other human beings. It just might work better than yelling, "Hey! You be nice!", when they are less-than-sweet.
 
Thanks for reading!
 
Jim Fay


 

 

Say "No" by Saying "Yes" to Something Else


"No" seems to be the most dreaded word in the English language. Kids hate to hear it almost as much as adults! There's nothing that starts a fight faster than the simple sound of this teeny, tiny two-letter word.

The world is full of "No's." That's why preparing kids for the real world requires that we deny their requests from time to time.

But how do we say "No" without finding ourselves in constant battles? By saying "Yes" to something else!

Instead of: No, I'm not taking you until your chores are done.

Try: Sure! I will take you when your chores are done.

Rather than: No. I am not paying $200 for a pair of sneakers.

Experiment with: I want you to have those. The ones I was planning on buying cost $25. I'll provide that amount.

Instead of: No. You are not watching rated R movies.

Try: Renting a movie is a great idea. Find a G rated one, and we'll pop some popcorn tonight.

Give this little tip a try…and enjoy fewer battles with your kids!

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

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